Gridlock

Isn't it amazing how just shutting 2 lanes on the QE2 bridge can cause the kind of gridlock we're experiencing in Thurrock this afternoon.

My Human has reported that it took over 2 hours to travel from West Thurrock to South Ockendon - a journey that takes around fifteen minutes on a normal day.

This is what he told me...

Most of the hold ups are caused by moronic drivers blocking entrances and exits to and from side roads and roundabouts and the perennial lane-jumpers who think that by continually changing lanes they can get home a few seconds earlier.

Then you get the arsehole who uses his vehicle to block both lanes as he is terrified that someone will overtake.

What we need is a squad of people in bright yellow coats directing the traffic at the various junctions to maintain a steady flow. Maybe we can use the many Community Support Officers who would love a chance to exercise some real power over the general public instead of having to explain that there is really nothing they can do and you'll have to wait for a real policeman to arrive.

I lost count of the number of cars that u-turned in a futile attempt to find a quicker way.

Finally arrived home and made Plan B arrangements to get to the Theatre in Grays tonight with the parents for a much-needed night out. Abandoned any idea of getting there by car and worked out that we could get there by train....only snag, all roads to the station were blocked and after moving 500 yards in 20 minutes, Plan B was also abandoned.

If only they could build an extra crossing over the Thames to alleviate the congestion on the QE2. That'll be nice.

Can we start this week again as so far it's been a 'mare

Who Luvs Ya Baby - The Psychology of Lollipop People

This afternoon my live-in Human arrived home from work in a foul mood ranting about something called 'kin lollipop people. He sat on the bed, tickled my belly and recounted this story about these lollipop people who, it seems, have upset him this afternoon.

I have to say I wasn't really listening so may have misunderstood bits and pieces but here goes...

On my way home from work I have to pass through the village where there is a primary school on the main road, outside of which lives an evil Lollipop Lady (Editor's note : I'm assuming this is a female Lollipop Person). This wild lady with fluorescent yellow skin has a tendency to leap out in front of oncoming traffic and prevent law abiding motorists from going about their business by waving a fearsome pole arm bearing the legend 'Stop Children' (Editors Note - Stopping children is a bit harsh as children aren't the main problem here and if you stop them completely there is no need for the school).

By all accounts this wild lollipop lady is then almost impossible to move until a constant stream of Humans of all sizes are allowed to cross the road in front of the patiently waiting motorists - sometimes for upwards of 2 hours (Think you might be exaggerating as I know you finish work at 3pm and you were home by 20 past)

The problem is then compounded by hundreds (are you sure?) of youngish females all driving articulated lorries (really!) and then abandoning them all over the road while they pick up their precious psychotic children - all because they are either too fat or too lazy to walk home like we did when we were young. If I'd been collected from school I'd've been the laughing stock of all my friends.

Just around the corner from the school is a Zebra crossing inhabited by another of these lollipop people - this time a male - who feels it is his duty to stand in the middle of the crossing allowing virtually the whole population of western Europe to cross the road before letting one or two cars past so that they can join the queue to watch the aforementioned lollipop lady perform her mesmerising routine one hundred yards further down the road.

Roll on half-term.....

I can only assume they are called lollipop people because they suck.

A pat on the back for anyone old enough to get the Kojack reference in the title

Facebook - A Cat's Best Friend....Not!

For the last year I've had my very own profile on Facebook. It has given me a platform to keep all of my friends and followers up-to-date with my eagerly awaited news and views and through it I've made a whole load of new friends.

However...Facebook have seen fit to rule that as I'm not a 'real' human, then I'm not eligible to have my own profile and I need to 'belong' to someone.

Thankfully one of the Humans that lives in my house has agreed to technically 'own' me for the purpose of getting around the draconian Facebook regulations. The downside is that I'm now classified as a 'pet' which as you all know is exactly the reverse of the Cat/Human relationship :-)

So, Mark Zukerberg and all the faceless minions at Facebook, I hope you're pleased with yourselves that what the majority of right-minded people regard as just a bit of fun needs to be clamped down on whilst crime levels continue to soar and all over the developing world people continue to live in poor conditions and are slowly starving to death.

How about investing some of your fortune, that you'll never spend in 9 lifetimes (Cat Pun Alert) in solving some of the real problems in the world and let this cat continue entertaining the lovely people who use your product for very commendable uses.

Cats have feelings too...

Monty Catt